mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
