So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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