This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
