I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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