my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
