I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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