i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
