and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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