i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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