there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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