i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
