I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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