She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
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so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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