I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
