dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
