So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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