Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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