Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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