Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
