you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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