im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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