i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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