my phone needs a breathalizer
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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