I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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