I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
