i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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