Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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