She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
