Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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