it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
