I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
