my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
