she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
