i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
