I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
