i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The Olympian is in my bed
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
