My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
