No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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