Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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