Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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