So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
