Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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