I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
