I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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