I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
