soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
