I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
