I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this boner is exhausting
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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