I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
