at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
