So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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