Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
