my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My cat gives me a boner
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
