I looked at my own cervix.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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